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I never win anything. It’s true; all too true. So why enter a blog post contest on ComLuv? Since approximately 1984 when I was a 14 year old on the community swim team and kicked ass to the tune of several plastic trophies and a box full of polyester ribbons, my destiny has apparently been redirected towards filling a slot in the odds found on the back of every lottery form and game contest piece ever made. “Your chances of winning are 1 in 3,900,786,345.1 ½.” Apparently I am just one of those 3,900,786,345.1/2 unlucky bastards and not the winner, obviously. Is there some allotted amount of personal success we are given at birth, and if you use it all up before death you’re SOL? Does life start out with a disclaimer? “Entrants may only win 36 times within one standard lifetime and are ineligible for further successes until reincarnation except in cases of entrants returning as water buffalo or any member of the Jehovah Witnesses whereupon they are deemed ineligible anyways. Void in Florida, Rhode Island and Hoot Owl, Oklahoma”

Whatever it is, I’ve become resigned to my fate and haven’t so much as entertained hope much less even thought of entering a contest in twenty seven years. Masochist I am not. I’ve become so conditioned to lose, that every time I even see an entry form or hear a contest advertisement I immediately begin experiencing visions of footballs and sadistic little girls in blue dresses’ . No dreams of a mysterious benefactor’s untimely death and secret wills here let me tell you. In fact, a bunch of cats would probably get set up with Little Friskies for life and I’d probably get a bill for the cremation thanks to some last living relative clause. “Don’t waste your time trying because you already know the outcome” doesn’t even begin to approach my situation.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter or unhappy. Unless of course you’ve recently won the Powerball, in which case I hope the armored truck delivering your millions is hijacked by Guatemalan terrorists. Naa, I do ok and don’t suffer too much. Despite a stark lack of riches and fame, I muddle along much like the rest of you. I make a few bucks, pay into the machine of society, and if I’m lucky I’ll end my days in the relative comfort of a state run hospital for the mentally bereft.

It’s not that I haven’t tried. In fact, the point is that LORD!!, have I EVER tried! The problem is, you can only stand there on the sidelines watching the beaming faces of winners as they bask in the glow of wonderful joyous happiness and make noise about how happy you are for them for so long before you begin to unravel. I’m too unlucky to get away with a psychotic rampage and going bonkers would just further my descent into winless obscurity, so mental fits are out of the question. Which left me only one choice; give up, which I have done.

Luckily for me, there are lots of losers. This inescapable result of so few winners has allowed me some measure of smugness and satisfaction as I watch all the other poor slobs who foolishly still entertain the idea that they actually have a chance in this life enter contests and games of chance. Hahaha, stay away from water buffalo’s and Hoot Owl, Oklahoma pal. I can sit back and revel in my resignation knowing that at least “I” had the good sense not to go running for the football yet again like all those other losers hehehe.

So what in the name of all that’s unfair am I doing entering a blog contest? Tell you the truth, beats me. Here’s what happened. I run my blog, get modest traffic, few comments and basically chug along doing things my way. I’m good with it. I would like more comments though, so in an effort to encourage them I added ComLuv to my visitor comments. For those unfamiliar, ComLuv lets visitors to your blog make their comments and automatically fetches some info, like a link to their last blog post and includes it with their comment. Several very successful blogs use it, which is what encouraged me to give it a try. Signing up was easy, and there is a lot more to ComLuv than just this little app; like of all the unfair horrors to appear in my e-mail, contests. Despite Lucy the sadist interfering with my vision as I scanned the e-mail, one little sentence, or carrot on a stick in my case, stuck out. It said that ANYONE can win. That’s right, anybody. According to the folks at ComLuv and Famous Blogger who are responsible for this shindig, it’s not just Blog Guru’s who stand the most likely-hood of winning. Even curmudgeons like me who frivolously spent all their winner karma in silly youthful pursuits can win.

My first reaction? “Bwahahahahaha, THAT’S WHAT YOU GUYS THINK!” They didn’t count on me entering. With my proven track record of losses and complete and total contest apathy I’m a shoo-in to prove em wrong. I fully expect after posting this to see my traffic nosedive and folks go out of their way to avoid me. Heck, something will probably happen resulting in my site host getting bought out by some outfit in Pakistan which then bans my infidel ass from the network. Won’t matter as this effort is doomed like all the rest. So, without further ado and with even less enthusiasm than the condemned trudging up the stairs of the gallows, I now ask you dear readers to visit and pass along the link to my contest article that I will add as soon as it is available. Tweet it, stick it on Facebook, E-mail it to Grandma whatever. Just chuck it out there and let’s see if I can’t set some sort of record for the most horrible contest loss of all history. Some comments would be helpful as well. Don’t forget to check back later or you might miss the giant ball of flames as this attempt goes into its death spiral and plows it in.

“EDIT”
Here is the link to the article. Please pay it a visit, and don’t go telling me to break a leg, I probably would…..

http://comluv.com/news/leave-blogs-success-blind-luck/~Paul

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